When I was about 8-yrs old I had a wee bit of a melt down in trying to get a handle on what this life I’d chosen was all about… I understood that I’d chosen it but I could not wrap my head around the idea that if I had the option to choose – why had I not chosen something different?  At that point – it was not a question of “why didn’t I choose something better?” – but more a question of  “why this one?”.

My parents didn’t know what do to with me – I’d wake up in the middle of the night crying because I wanted clarity and understanding and they couldn’t give it to me… I remember my Mum giving me a glass of ginger ale – saying that would calm me down ;) .  This is when I really connected with my sense of the Divine!  Rather than try to get this clarity from my parents – I’d go for walks in the woods and feel the guidance I was looking for – I’d get my support and messages from the sigh of the wind through the trees, from the ripples on the lake… these ‘signs’ helped awaken my intuitive nature and allowed me to feel connected like I’d never experienced before.

This realization was very transformative for me in that I realized that I was NOT just this physical body – the connection I had with Source was a crucial link to allowing my experience of life to happen.

It was a very long time before I came back into this peaceful space.  I basically stopped physically growing around age 12/13 (I am almost 6’ft. tall!!).  This in of itself totally made me fixate on my physical body – gosh I stood out so very much… all I wanted to do was fit in with my peers.  I wanted to wear similar clothes, to wear fashionable outfits and above all look good in the eyes of those around me!

My early adult life passed quickly in many ways but in other ways it felt like a lifetime had gone by.  Group photos at school was often a reflection to me of how much I stood out, often being taller (and wider) than my teachers.
My father is a baker and so there was always an abundance of delicious cakes, cookies and squares to pick from… it became very easy to drown my feelings of self loathing with a yummy cookie (or 6!).  In fact, looking back – my whole family had a pretty strong sweet tooth.

I went on my first “diet” (which was extremely restrictive) at age 16.  I actually did lose a lot of weight and I thought I looked good – but I remember my friends being worried about me – telling me that I’d gone too far and it was time to stop trying to lose more.

It wasn’t until I was in my mid-30’s that I started training and developing the healing and transformational arts that I work with now – this  allowed me to understand so much about my own eating and dieting patterns.

In all of my career life, working as an office manager and financial controller – I was always viewed as the go to gal when there were emotional problems, problems at home, depressions, anxieties, and so on – I was also known and depended upon as the person who could think outside of the box and instil a sense of calmness wherever I was.

When I transitioned from my corporate life into the initial phase of my healing practice… Clients often used to say things like “I always look forward to receiving your insight” or “You should be a Coach” or “I love how I feel about myself after speaking with you”… THAT’S when I realized that I needed to start up this new version of my business.

My own body weight has fluctuated hugely over the years – bouncing between 198-lbs to 150-lbs (I even hit 109-lbs when I was really ill).  I was teased and ridiculed a lot growing up because I was a large girl – I believe that I became even more overweight to protect myself.  I’ve come to realize that I put on extra weight whenever I have felt insecure or unsafe.

I’ve moved around many times and looking back I saw that I put weight on every time I moved to a new location – sometimes I’d take the weight off easily and other times, I’d find other reasons (like bad relationships, bad jobs, etc.) which would either keep the weight on or add more.

About 10 yrs ago – I remember stepping on the scale and seeing that I’d gotten up to 198-lbs… I remember hearing a voice in my head saying “eek 2 more pounds and I’ll hit 200-lbs”… the heaviest I’d ever been.  Something happened to me in that moment – I made a decision, a commitment to myself that I was NOT going to hit that 200-lb mark.  AND I didn’t!

This is not to say that I’ve kept my body at my ideal weight since then BUT I have an ongoing loving dialogue with my own physical and emotional needs… There are times when I do choose the chocolate over the piece of fruit!  In these times it is important to me to just be OK with the choice I’m making and acknowledge that I am choosing it. Rather than buying into any other kind of story about it!

 

More coming soon